


The (Secret) Blog of Sebastian Moran

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Blogging, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 19:30:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian Moran chronicles the time he spent working for Moriarty through blog entries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The (Secret) Blog of Sebastian Moran

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, Moran swears a lot. If you are not comfortable with swearing, I would not read this!

 

sebastianmoranblog.co.uk

**The Personal Blog of Colonel Sebastian Moran**

 

 

_Security setting:_ **_Public_ **

**Date:** 26th October

**Title:** What the fuck does this need a title for?

Apparently even after you leave the army they still have the ability to fuck with your life. As it therapy wasn’t bad enough, fuckers have me writing a blog. 

_#fuckers #I hope you’re reading this Ella #It took me two hours to set this up #I missed EastEnders_

_Security setting:_ **_Public_ **

**Date:** 1st November

**Title:** Pigeon

Shot a pigeon today. What an overreaction. Shot how many people and no one blinks an eye, they even talk about giving you a medal, but you shoot one bloody pigeon and it’s bedlam. Christ, what the hell is wrong with civilians?

_#everyone hates pigeons #they’re fucking vermin #worse than rats #they’re fucking flying rats #I was doing everyone a favour_

_Security setting:_ **_Public_ **

**Date:** 2nd November

**Title:** Bored

God I’m bored. And they took my gun away. Daytime telly is so crap. Connie Price has no idea what she’s talking about. Thinking of getting a job.

_#Maybe one where they’ll let me have my gun #I’m getting the hang of blogging though_

_Security setting:_ **_Public_ **

**Date:** 5th November

**Title:** Job

Met an interesting guy today, said something about a job opportunity. 

_#he was pretty shady #which is a good sign #if I want to get a gun_

_Security setting:_ **_Public_ **

**Date:** 7th November

**Title:** No Job

Job I talked about fell through (no real reason, just one of those things). Never mind. Instead, I’ve decided to give up on guns and go to work in a bank. Probably won’t have time to update this either, so don’t be surprised if I don’t post anything else.

_#You were right, Ella #Can’t let myself be swept up with the wrong sort just for the rush #feeling much better about myself now_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 7th November

**Title:** Actually did get the job

It’s hush, hush though, so can’t say anything publicly.

_#Who the fuck am I talking to?_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 12th November

**Title:** The new job

This job is fucking great. They’ve given me a gun, a beautiful Arctic Warfare Covert, with magnificent range, as well as an enormous wad of cash and they’re sending me out on the sort of errands you know are just a test and if you fail they’ll kill you. I must have impressed them, I see to be starting pretty high on the pole.

_#god, I’ve never felt so alive #it’s better than the army_

 

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 29th November

**Title:** Moriarty

Finally got told what the name everyone is always bloody whispering about. Moriarty. I’m working for a fucking Irishman, never thought I’d see the day. All this conspiracy bullshit is driving me up the wall though.Tell me who I’m working for, don’t tell me who I’m working for, I couldn’t care less. But all this carrying on gets on your nerves. Still, I’m pretty good at keeping my trap shut and not looking interested. You’re more likely to get told things that way, and less likely to be killed.

_#I suppose I should just be grateful I’m not being paid in beer and potatoes_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 17th December

**Title:** Moving up in the world

I think I’m being put on security detail for the boss. No one will confirm it of course, but there are signs. Everyone’s pretty nervous, and who else needs that many trained snipers? Plus I got a pay rise and threatened a lot. When you’re in this business, you learn to read the signs, as this sort of thing can make or break you career (and life).

_#trying to get all of the Irish jokes out of my system before we meet him_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 25th December

**Title:** Christmas

Having a quiet Christmas at home. Everyone got the day off and a bonus. I’m currently working my way through the hamper they sent me.

_#haven’t had a chocolate orange since I was a kid #I think the sugar mice made me sick, though_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 13th January

**Title:** Work

I’ve been assigned to what is presumably Moriarty’s team for a few weeks now, but I’ve yet to do anything on a large scale yet. It’s all surveillance, small errands (mostly standing around looking threatening while someone else talks) and training. I get the impression the boss is building up to something big, there’s a sort of excitement in the air.

_#I don’t mind having a bit of quiet time after Christmas actually #it’s a nice way to spend the New Year #plus it’s bloody cold right now_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 21st January

**Title:** Serial killer

Everyone at work won’t shut up about this new serial killer. Christ, what happened to the good old days of a bullet through the head or slashing the throat open. Everything has to be so complicated nowadays. Someone tried to explain to me how it works, but I really don’t care. 

_#I was this close to punching the guy out #in fact if I didn’t take pride in being professional I’d be leaving a trail of unconscious bodies behind me every time he came up_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 1st February

**Title:** Serves him right

Ha! After all that carry-on about the genius serial killer, fucker went and got himself shot through the chest. 

_#Is that ironic? #It feels pretty ironic_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 27th February

**Title:** Something big

Something big is heating up at work. 

_#god I’m ready for some real action_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 16th March

**Title:** Useless assassins

I don’t mean to sound racist, but got I hate those Chinese Mafia assassins. The black roses or some shit. They’re absolute bollocks. I’ve never seen such a rubbish group. I’m actually feeling quite professionally offended that Moriarty’s network hires them. They’re not professionally trained, they have no background in weapons, they’re mostly just kids that got dragged into it and you know their heart isn’t in it.

_#I wouldn’t care that they are rubbish #but it does bring everyone down #having to work with_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 19th March

**Title:** Diamond heist

Apparently I get to be part of an honest to god diamond heist. God I love my job.

_#I’m like a fucking James Bond villain_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 23rd March

**Title:** Fucking morons

Got stuck behind some fucker who couldn’t operate the self-serve checkouts at Tesco. What moron can’t operate a chip and pin machine in this day and age?

_#I was stuck in line for so long #my ice-cream melted #fucker_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 1st April

**Title:** No pool explosions

Well that was anti-climatic. I really thought I was going to get to shoot something today, maybe even set off another explosion. Still, I now know what the boss looks like. 

_#he’s actually hilarious #also the fucker from Tesco was there_

 

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 10th April

**Title:** Raise

Got a pay rise today!

_#it’s nice to know I am appreciated_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 2nd May

**Title:** Wrong context

It’s really weird when you spot someone you know from work outside of work. That tall, pale, curly haired bloke I nearly shot a month ago was at Tescos and my trigger finger twitched before I realised where we were. I ended up giving him a weird smile, but he seemed pretty intent on his shopping, so I doubt he noticed me.

_#Would have been a different story if it was his friend #at least this guy knew his way around the chip and pin machine #crap taste in beer though_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 31st May

**Title:** Paid vacation

Being sent to do some work overseas. I’m interested to see how far the network goes. I got the impression it was pretty involved in Britain, but just peripherally in Europe. 

_#plus I’m getting paid to travel_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 4th June

**Title:** Amsterdam

Just landed in Amsterdam. Not so keen so far. 

_#I sort of thought there’d be more windmills and tulips and busty women in weird outfits #guess that was kind of stupid #red light district’s meant to be good though_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 9th July

**Title:** Catch up

You know what they say - to busy living life to blog about it. Wish I had written more, it’s been a crazy month. I suppose it doesn’t matter, I don’t think I could ever forget some of the things I’ve seen and done.

_#fucking hell #god I love my job_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 28th July

**Title:** Back home

Arrived home yesterday and have been sleeping off the trip. It was a fucking fantastic experience, but it’s good to be home again. 

_#You miss your own bed #and it’s really exhausting when people won’t shut up in a completely different language_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 14th August

**Title:** Newspapers

Caught the boss grinning over newspapers this morning. Christ, but he didn’t look half creepy.

_#I guess he is kind of a madman #evil genius #super villain #whatever term you want to use #but it’s easy to forget #most of the time he’s just another normal bloke #good sense of humour #gets stressed sometimes #can be a bit of a bastard #but we love him anyway #it’s nice to be reminded what a creepy fucker he can be #almost comforting_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 17th September

**Title:** Best job

The boss has this new project and it doesn’t involve a lot of shooting people. You’d think I’d find that upsetting, but it involves him talking to this lesbian dominatrix an awful lot. It’s great.

_#trying to work out how to offer to be security for her #but I think she’s more a consultant than an employee_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 7th November

**Title:** Anniversary

Had this job for a year now. Love it as much as I did the first day I got it.

_#got another raise #and they sent me a hamper to celebrate!_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 23rd December

**Title:** Update

Haven’t updated in a while, but it’s been pretty quiet around her. I guess they like to take the Christmas holidays off? Boss hasn’t seemed to happy lately, but it’s hard to tell with him. Sometimes death threats are affectionate, sometimes they’re really not. The holidays are rough for some people.

_#got another hamper for Christmas though_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 3rd January

**Title:** That bird

Remember the lesbian dominatrix I mentioned? (Yeah, I know, like you’d forget about something like that) Apparently there’s been all this drama about her. She’s dead. She’s alive. She’s in the bad books. She’s in the good books. I keep right out of it. I just wish people would stop gossiping to me about her.

_#seriously #shut up about that bird already_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 19th February

**Title:** Slow

It’s slowed right down at work. I guess the start of the year is always slow. I wonder if the boss doesn’t like the cold?

_#don’t mind the time off #gun never works properly in this weather anyway_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 23rd March

**Title:** Worried

I think the boss has been kidnapped. Or arrested. I know it’s always a bit need-to-know when it comes to where the boss is at any given point in time, but something feels off. I haven’t seen him for ages, and there’s been no orders or errands. Everyone’s on edge. I’m trying not to let myself worry, but something’s definitely wrong.

_#I hate sitting around waiting and not knowing_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 7th April

**Title:** What the fuck is going on

The boss was on trial after he fucking tried to steal the crown jewels. Except he wasn’t really trying to. He just dressed up in them and waited until they came for him. It’s pretty funny, but I have no idea why in fuck’s name he did it.

Anyway, he went to trial, offered no defence and got off.

_#goddam if I’m ever arrested I want his lawyer #just kidding #that guy was a fuckwit_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 24th May

**Title:** Who the fuck is Richard Brook?

No, seriously, what the fuck is going on now?

_#fucked if I can keep up with it all_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 16th June

**Title:** Fuck

Jesus we’ve been having a couple of surreal weeks. The boss gets arrested, then says he isn’t really Moriarty, criminal overload, he’s this actor fuck that Holmes bloke hired and suddenly everyone’s committing suicide. I thought it was really clever the whole making him jump or we’d shoot his friends (although I thought the whole fake genius stuff was over the top. You don’t need a convoluted plan to kill someone!) and then I thought he’d pretended to shoot himself to get Holmes to jump. It technically worked, Holmes jumped, but now the boss is dead too. What a crap plan. I didn’t realise he was really dead until later. I think I’m going to need to take a few days to process all of this. 

_#if I’d known the boss had actually killed himself I’d have shot that Watson fucker anyway_

_Security setting:_ **_Private_ **

**Date:** 20th June

**Title:** The future

At loose ends. It’s not that I haven’t had any job offers since Moriarty offed himself, I just don’t know if I want to be doing the same sort of thing. I can’t help but think that this has been the job of a lifetime, and if I try to get another job in that area I’ll just be endlessly disappointed. 

I’m actually thinking about pursing this writing some more. Autobiographies seem to make a fucktonne of money. “The Secret Diary of a Madman’s Sniper” or “The Secret Diary of Sebastian Moran”. 

_#the money will be nice of course #but I really like the idea of being recognised for something other than accurate shooting #maybe this is all just a midlife crisis_


End file.
